No strings attached.

Really?  You had a hard day at work?  Well, unless you had to wax diaper wearing, maybe fetish, tampon stuck up his ass with a string hanging out, guy...I don't want to hear about it!

That's right folks.  Just another day at the office.

High Maintenance V..uh...whaaaaaat???

"you're going to have to keep your legs open otherwise your scrotum will stick to your leg, like it just did."  Yes, those words came out of my mouth this week. 

As ELDO is going through it's expansion, growth, growing pains, I've  decided to shake things up a bit.  MALE Brazilians have made it to the menu!  I've had some brave, brave men volunteer this week to help assure that the technique was menu worthy.  I've learned a few things along the way...
1) I had NO idea that scrotum was so stretchy.
2) Grown men do squeal.
3) If you do not explain why their legs need to stay open they will close them at first pull and as I mentioned...uh, yes their balls will stick to their leg. This was a situation..and I wish that I could have had the bubble over my head saying what I was really thinking. "OMG I am going to have to take this guy to the ER to have them surgically remove his ball!" Ok, it wasn't that bad, but that's what the bubble would have said!
4) fire the esthetician I hired...well, that's not really number 4 of things I've learned, but in the midst of balls, shafts and butt cracks, this needed to be done.

It was confusing at first because I kept calling the scrotum, the labia.  But after the 4th guy, I got the lingo down. "Hold your penis to the right, hold your penis to the left, hold on tight cause this is going to hurt like a mother F*%*#@! ..I finally had to learn the correct name for the "taint" although I still can't pronounce it.  Perinium, no that's not it, perinieurm, uuuuh,  Perineum.  There..got it.  And through the feedback from the couple that came in for male Brazilian training day, we came up with this line "can you pull your scrotum towards your belly.  Works like charm.  And unfortunately for them, this is while they are positioned on all fours.  Well, now that I think about it, this is unfortunate for me too. But hey, it's a dirty job and someone's got to do it!

Ladies and gentlemen...send your men in for some intense grooming!

It takes a village...of vaginas..

to raise a child..  Have you heard of the saying "It takes a village to raise a child."?  It's kind of like that, just a little different.

Most of you know that Hubby and I are in the middle of adopting a baby from Ethiopia.  This is one of the most exciting times for us, but it has been somewhat difficult.  We have been in the process for over 1 1/2 years, and we still have about 10 months left on the waiting list (give or take a few months).   Besides all of the paperwork and intense process to get on the list, it is unbelievably expensive to adopt a baby.  So while 10 months seems like so far away, it really gives us the time we need to get it together.

So here I am...on a vagina crusade!!  With each vagina on the table up at ELDO we are that much closer to getting our baby.  I work to get this child.  It is my motivation.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE what I do, but sometimes I feel like I cannot wax not one more vagina, and then the call comes in, and I will make sure to fit my client in..

So I basically need every vagina in Boulder up on the table so we can get our baby!!  So, as the new saying goes, It Takes A Village...of Vaginas..to raise a child!

P.S. When hubby read this...he said "You don't only wax vaginas"...duly noted.

Your total for today is farty dollars...

I love my job!  I really do.  I am grateful.  I try to hold space as a professional, but also keep it comfortable and light.  I find many estheticians are not comfortable with Brazilian waxing, and therefore their clients can feel the awkwardness coming from them.  That is not me!  When my clients come in, I say "ok, no foreplay up at ELDO, bottoms off, and on the table."  It's like catching up with a girlfriend every 4 weeks.  I tell my monthly story, she tells hers.  Sometimes it's serious, and other times it lots of giggling.  Then comes time to wax the butt crack.  I explain to my new clients, that I will put them on all fours, kind of like the cow position in yoga.  If she is not into yoga then it will be explained kind of like doggy style.  I also explain that the nature of the part we are waxing produces a lot of heat.  When this happens it takes longer for the wax to set up.  I will lay the wax down and then walk to the front of the table while the wax sets up so I am not talking into her butt.  If I try to pull to early, then I will be picking wax out of her asshole, and that is NOT fun for anyone. 

Easy enough.  This week one of  my favorite clients was on the table,  I am laying wax on one side of her butt crack.  We are chit chatting having a good time...and then two things...I see a little pucker, and then a noise..Blpppph...I said, did you just fart?  Of course she was devastated, but I was laughing too hard to care...as the trauma was just setting in, Blppppph....and her worst nightmare has come true. Twice!  

The truth is, if you wax long enough or if you get waxed long enough, this is bound to happen. 

When it came time to pay, I said, "your total today is FARTY dollars.  (usually forty)..

Nothing but fun..no funny..times up at ELDO.

How about a nice big cup...

of shut the fuck up!  This is not about hairy vaginas.  This is about the high maintenance people attached to the vaginas.  And some of them...attached to a penis.  I know that it is my choice to live in Boulder.  I love it!  I love my family, my friends, the scenery, the walks, the weather, so many things.  What I don't love are the idiots walking around this town, ruining my day.  You can't beat a dead horse!  So shut up!  Stop, look, listen.  Didn't we learn that in kindergarten?  These crazy people are not stopping, looking, or listening.  They are talking talking talk talk talk....I have a wonderful relationship with G-d and the Universe..and so grateful when it all falls into place, or for the lessons learned..etc..I just don't feel the need to talk about it ALL day ALL the time.  Just STOP..for one second, and live. It's like all this enlightenment is paralyzing them to be stuck in this vicious cycle and they feel the need to force this phony baloney bullshit on me..and you!  That's what I think it is, phony..there is nothing authentic about it. It's a learned response.

So here is my request brothers and sisters...if you are using any of the following words, please don't talk to me until Thursday, when I am having a margarita at the Rio: integrating, processing, deep, cultivating, new chapter, sitting with, authentic, soul searching, infinite love and gratitude..

See you at the Rio! 

I’m sorry…do I know you?

It happens all of the time.  Walking around in Whole Foods..and someone says "Hi, Rachel" I smile politely but have absolutely no idea who she is.  Walking down Pearl Street, I see a wave, I wave back..uuuum, yeah, not really sure.  I assume I know her from being on the table up at ELDO.  I can't really say "can you show me your vagina, it may jog my memory."

The truth is I don’t really know what my clients look like.  If I had to pick one of my clients out in a line-up, the only way for me to identify her, would be for her to pull her pants down.  “#3, step forward, drop your draws.” Oh yeah..I know her!

I am focused.  I see hair and I must remove it.  That is the only thing I am paying attention to.  Sometimes a new client will return for her second wax, I cannot remember for the life of me seeing her before until I start the wax.  Usually by the third wax I know.

So, if you see me at Whole Foods, or on Pearl Street, or maybe at the local coffee shop, I am not being rude, I just have no idea what you look like from the waist up.  

Pubs, pubs, are good for the...

Well, actually..in my opinion, they are good for nothing.  Some women say, “I love my hairy man”..well, have you ever given him a blow job without his hairy balls in your mouth?  If  she had, she would no longer make that statement.  Or, in the middle of your hot passionate foreplay, “ccchchh, cchcchh,” while trying to dig the pubic hair out of the back of your throat?  Yes, I understand that pubic hair serves a purpose, but really.

I have to explain to hubby every now and again, he would get a lot more action if he would manscape a little more.  This time I decided to take matters into my own hands.  Why not?  I trim pubs all day up at the office.  I try not to have my clients trim themselves because usually they trim too short, and that is a problem for waxing.  The hair needs to be ¼” long to be waxed.  Too long, too short, no good.  When a vagina is out of control, I grab my little scissors , “We are just gonna give you a little haircut”.  Sometimes I like to open and close the scissors quickly just for sound effects. 

So, I grabbed my little scissors  while hubby and I were in the shower.   I start cutting, and then realized I didn't have my contacts in.  Oopsie.  As the scissor gets full, I clean it off in the water and then scream and shuffle my feet back from the water, as if I were in the ocean trying to stay away from the jelly fish.  

AAAACK..pubic hair is bad enough, but wet pubic hair..Ugh.  I hate pubs.  It’s no wonder I rip them out for a living. 

So lesson of the day: hair needs to be ¼” long for a good wax and pubic hair is gross.