It takes a village...of vaginas..

to raise a child..  Have you heard of the saying "It takes a village to raise a child."?  It's kind of like that, just a little different.

Most of you know that Hubby and I are in the middle of adopting a baby from Ethiopia.  This is one of the most exciting times for us, but it has been somewhat difficult.  We have been in the process for over 1 1/2 years, and we still have about 10 months left on the waiting list (give or take a few months).   Besides all of the paperwork and intense process to get on the list, it is unbelievably expensive to adopt a baby.  So while 10 months seems like so far away, it really gives us the time we need to get it together.

So here I am...on a vagina crusade!!  With each vagina on the table up at ELDO we are that much closer to getting our baby.  I work to get this child.  It is my motivation.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE what I do, but sometimes I feel like I cannot wax not one more vagina, and then the call comes in, and I will make sure to fit my client in..

So I basically need every vagina in Boulder up on the table so we can get our baby!!  So, as the new saying goes, It Takes A Village...of Vaginas..to raise a child!

P.S. When hubby read this...he said "You don't only wax vaginas"...duly noted.

Your total for today is farty dollars...

I love my job!  I really do.  I am grateful.  I try to hold space as a professional, but also keep it comfortable and light.  I find many estheticians are not comfortable with Brazilian waxing, and therefore their clients can feel the awkwardness coming from them.  That is not me!  When my clients come in, I say "ok, no foreplay up at ELDO, bottoms off, and on the table."  It's like catching up with a girlfriend every 4 weeks.  I tell my monthly story, she tells hers.  Sometimes it's serious, and other times it lots of giggling.  Then comes time to wax the butt crack.  I explain to my new clients, that I will put them on all fours, kind of like the cow position in yoga.  If she is not into yoga then it will be explained kind of like doggy style.  I also explain that the nature of the part we are waxing produces a lot of heat.  When this happens it takes longer for the wax to set up.  I will lay the wax down and then walk to the front of the table while the wax sets up so I am not talking into her butt.  If I try to pull to early, then I will be picking wax out of her asshole, and that is NOT fun for anyone. 

Easy enough.  This week one of  my favorite clients was on the table,  I am laying wax on one side of her butt crack.  We are chit chatting having a good time...and then two things...I see a little pucker, and then a noise..Blpppph...I said, did you just fart?  Of course she was devastated, but I was laughing too hard to care...as the trauma was just setting in, Blppppph....and her worst nightmare has come true. Twice!  

The truth is, if you wax long enough or if you get waxed long enough, this is bound to happen. 

When it came time to pay, I said, "your total today is FARTY dollars.  (usually forty)..

Nothing but fun..no funny..times up at ELDO.

How about a nice big cup...

of shut the fuck up!  This is not about hairy vaginas.  This is about the high maintenance people attached to the vaginas.  And some of them...attached to a penis.  I know that it is my choice to live in Boulder.  I love it!  I love my family, my friends, the scenery, the walks, the weather, so many things.  What I don't love are the idiots walking around this town, ruining my day.  You can't beat a dead horse!  So shut up!  Stop, look, listen.  Didn't we learn that in kindergarten?  These crazy people are not stopping, looking, or listening.  They are talking talking talk talk talk....I have a wonderful relationship with G-d and the Universe..and so grateful when it all falls into place, or for the lessons learned..etc..I just don't feel the need to talk about it ALL day ALL the time.  Just STOP..for one second, and live. It's like all this enlightenment is paralyzing them to be stuck in this vicious cycle and they feel the need to force this phony baloney bullshit on me..and you!  That's what I think it is, phony..there is nothing authentic about it. It's a learned response.

So here is my request brothers and sisters...if you are using any of the following words, please don't talk to me until Thursday, when I am having a margarita at the Rio: integrating, processing, deep, cultivating, new chapter, sitting with, authentic, soul searching, infinite love and gratitude..

See you at the Rio! 

I’m sorry…do I know you?

It happens all of the time.  Walking around in Whole Foods..and someone says "Hi, Rachel" I smile politely but have absolutely no idea who she is.  Walking down Pearl Street, I see a wave, I wave back..uuuum, yeah, not really sure.  I assume I know her from being on the table up at ELDO.  I can't really say "can you show me your vagina, it may jog my memory."

The truth is I don’t really know what my clients look like.  If I had to pick one of my clients out in a line-up, the only way for me to identify her, would be for her to pull her pants down.  “#3, step forward, drop your draws.” Oh yeah..I know her!

I am focused.  I see hair and I must remove it.  That is the only thing I am paying attention to.  Sometimes a new client will return for her second wax, I cannot remember for the life of me seeing her before until I start the wax.  Usually by the third wax I know.

So, if you see me at Whole Foods, or on Pearl Street, or maybe at the local coffee shop, I am not being rude, I just have no idea what you look like from the waist up.  

Pubs, pubs, are good for the...

Well, actually..in my opinion, they are good for nothing.  Some women say, “I love my hairy man”..well, have you ever given him a blow job without his hairy balls in your mouth?  If  she had, she would no longer make that statement.  Or, in the middle of your hot passionate foreplay, “ccchchh, cchcchh,” while trying to dig the pubic hair out of the back of your throat?  Yes, I understand that pubic hair serves a purpose, but really.

I have to explain to hubby every now and again, he would get a lot more action if he would manscape a little more.  This time I decided to take matters into my own hands.  Why not?  I trim pubs all day up at the office.  I try not to have my clients trim themselves because usually they trim too short, and that is a problem for waxing.  The hair needs to be ¼” long to be waxed.  Too long, too short, no good.  When a vagina is out of control, I grab my little scissors , “We are just gonna give you a little haircut”.  Sometimes I like to open and close the scissors quickly just for sound effects. 

So, I grabbed my little scissors  while hubby and I were in the shower.   I start cutting, and then realized I didn't have my contacts in.  Oopsie.  As the scissor gets full, I clean it off in the water and then scream and shuffle my feet back from the water, as if I were in the ocean trying to stay away from the jelly fish.  

AAAACK..pubic hair is bad enough, but wet pubic hair..Ugh.  I hate pubs.  It’s no wonder I rip them out for a living. 

So lesson of the day: hair needs to be ¼” long for a good wax and pubic hair is gross.

High Maintenance Vulva?

While talking to my editor friend, Marj , she says “It’s actually a vulva, not vagina.  The vagina is actually a canal.  So what we are really talking about is the vulva.”

Have you ever really looked at the anatomy of the vagina?  I mean Vulva?   

Have you ever looked at yours?  I mean really look at it.  Up close and personal.   I have.  Mine.  And possibly yours if you’ve been up at my office.   I guess I never really realized how many different vaginas there are out there, until I started waxing in 2007.  I always thought they all looked like mine.  I used to come home from work and draw the different vaginas, labia, inner labia, clit, hood on the white board for my roommates.  I remember the first time I saw a clit that looked like a rose, a flower.  I was baffled as to how I should wax around this thing.  Now, 3 years later, I just move it out of my way.  Wax on. Wax off. 

The thing about waxing, is as a professional, I can’t really have any reaction.  When my client gets on the table, there are times that I think “omg!  Look at that!”  or “That is the hairiest  vag I’ve ever seen.  WHERE DO I START?”  I suppose the worst surprise has been a little hitchhiker on the backside, if you know what I mean.  Maybe you don’t know.  Ok, how about a little dingle berry?  They didn’t really teach that in school.  Now the standard response to this unpleasant surprise is you get one “oopsie”.  If by the second wax you have a dirty crack, I simply say “waxing works best on a clean surface, it is best to get the soap in all the cracks and crevices” (I learned this from the Wax Queen) and we move on.  Really, if you are going to be getting your vagina waxed, it would be courteous to take a shower before coming in.   

So, tip of the day:  Wash your vagina and butt crack before you come in for a wax! And always check for toilet paper.

Do you need an assistant?

When I first opened my own business, in 2008, every single male friend of mine said “oh, do you need an assistant?”  “I’ll be happy to help you at the office.” Etc.

This always makes me laugh.  There is absolutely nothing sexy going on at the office.  I am taking hot wax, putting it on a Popsicle stick, covering pubic hairs, and ripping them out by the root.  There is yelling, crying, screaming, sometimes blood, sometimes other bodily fluids, or maybe other bodily functions, and it is not pretty!  It can be gross.  It can be stinky.  Even with the perfect client, it is still NOT sexy.  So boys, if you were to assist at the office, there is a very good chance that you will never want to see another vagina!  EVER!  AGAIN!